Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
