Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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