Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
