This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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