He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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