Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
