Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
