Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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