Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
