my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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