I wanna bring you to show and tell
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
