Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
