i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
