Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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