Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
