This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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