one might say we're banned from that church
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
