Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
