I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
