My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
