I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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