Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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