I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
