I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
