i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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