Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
