My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
