life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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