toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
