I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
