My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
