You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
