so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
