I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dick very happy bro
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
