My friends, they love my intelligence
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I need a beard to bite.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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