Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
