It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I FOUND THE LEGS
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
