she woke up with a sticky ear
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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