you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
