I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
