Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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