I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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