just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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