She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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