you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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