I just gift wrapped bread.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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