I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
