dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
