my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
