is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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