fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
